I wasn’t planning on breaking up with him, but he pulled it
out of me. It was like pulling a pebble from underneath a boulder.
I don’t like hurting
people either and yet a wave crashed over him and I. Emotions flooded the room
and we sat in silence from the aftermath.
It wasn’t a bad break up, and maybe those two phrases before make it worse than it was, but that’s kind of how I felt as we talked about it. I had been thinking about it and talking to my sisters about what I should do. I had been going to church more frequently so the principles I had been taught all my life were pressing on my thoughts more aggressively. It was really hard because I did and still do love him. He is the best person I have ever dated. He treated me like I was everything to him, because I was. He was worried about me in school and work, wanted me to aspire to bigger and better things, knew I had all this potential to reach and fulfill. For once in my life I felt wanted, needed loved, not forced to be or act like someone I’m not, and to be so cared about I felt guilty I wasn’t doing more. He was and is amazing. It has been really hard to lose him and I think the thing that hurt me the most was when I would tell him I loved him, I really did, but that feeling in my heart when I said it began to wither and die.
As a couple weeks passed and his internship came closer and
closer, I became more and more sad. I didn’t know what we were going to do when
it came time for him to go to California. I didn’t care, but I was worried, not
for him, but for me. He told me everything was going to be alright and we would
figure it out when it came time. That gave me peace, for a little while. I was
nervous that when he left, I wouldn’t handle it very well and I would go back
to old methods of coping and cheat on him because I didn’t want to be alone. I
would lose him forever because of my stupidity. He didn’t see it that way, he
saw the better in me. I love him for how much he encourages me and inspires me
to be the best I can be. He always sees the good in me, like how Snow White
always sees the good in people, no matter how evil they can be.
I was talking to my sister-in-law about everything. She just
wants me to be happy. She knew I was struggling and knew that the church has
been on my mind a lot and advised me to do what I felt and knew what was right.
I still wasn’t planning on breaking up, but I was thinking about it more then,
than I had been in the weeks prior. I went to a friend’s birthday party about
an hour north of where I live and it was really fun, but I wasn’t social, which
was new for me. I am usually this crazy social butterfly when it comes to
people and parties. I was too involved in my thoughts to be as social as I
wanted to be. I finally lightened up at the end of the night as people started
leaving, but that was okay! As the night went on I decided it finally good that
I head home. I wanted to see my boyfriend because we hadn’t got to see each
other all that much that weekend, which killed me. So I drove the hour back
home and stopped by his apartment before I went home. He knew something was
wrong and that’s when he pulled it out of me. I didn’t want to break up. Yes, I
was thinking about it and knew it was coming, but I don’t think I was ready for
it. Timing is never good though when it comes to the end of relationships, as
sucky as that is. We talked and hugged and cried and then I left. I couldn’t
endure the pain of not being with him anymore, but I also couldn’t stand him
crying while I was there, it just amplified the pain. I hate hurting people,
those who are the closest to me especially. I couldn’t stop this storm because
he wanted to know what was causing me to be uneasy.
We have talked and cried a lot about it since, but now I
feel we are on better terms. We have told each other, “the thing that scares me
the most is not talking to you or seeing you or even having you in my life…”
It’s true! I don’t want him not in my life and I know we are working our way
back to being the greatest friends we could ever be. Sure, it’s painful some
days and I miss him a lot and just want to be held and told it’s going to be
alright, but I know I can’t. As hard as it is to say, I know there are better
things out there for me that will add on to the shaping of my life in the way
God intended it to be. He was a HUGE milestone and will continue to be an
influence and support for me because I know he loves me and I love him.
--Redd Rockwood
--Redd Rockwood
